empresspatti (empresspatti) wrote,

The great big brain dump. You've been warned

I’m locking this down so I don’t have to explain myself to family. It’s exhausting trying to seem like the old me when I can’t find the new me. This past year has been an epic hot mess.

Life turmoil had made me mute. Really wonderful people have reached out. Thank you Herself!

This is such a ramble. Sorry in advance.

Ok –
Physically, my broken femur is healing well. Beginning of June, I was released from PT. This was a huge big deal as I’ve had PT daily since the beginning of October. I’m finally recovered enough to be able to exercise normally, or more specifically, like 60-year-old woman who had a traumatic injury. Because my physical recovery was slow and painful, it took up a lot of headspace being miserable. It took even more headspace hiding how miserable I was. The weight of everyones concern drove me nuts. Which made me ashamed because I'm lucky I have that kind of love in my life. SEE? Hot mess....

Getting to the gym has helped. Workouts helped me recover enough to be more comfortable physically. I don't have to constantly lie about being "fine." My first few forays were so painful and tiring I thought I’d die. Since the average temp in Georgia is 1000000 degrees, I opted for water aerobics with an occasional side of treadmill. Water workouts get my heart rate up, and have resistance/range of motion without impact. The treadmill helps me walk unaided, regain my balance and practice useful stuff I learned in PT.

Doesn’t it figure that I’d have a huge injury and the best thing I could do was get into a bathing suit? THE IRONY!!

Going to the gym helped me meet women who like to drink coffee and read books. It’s been a welcome good thing in my life. It took 14 months for it to happen, but last Friday I went to lunch and a movie with girlfriends. It was wonderful.

Mentally, I’ve struggled. Being miserable physically amped the homesickness and depression I’ve fought since moving to Atlanta. I miss my kids and Parents something awful. It’s been hard on Mr. Wonderful. He used to have a wife that laughed a lot. This move has been great for him professionally. I’ve made him miserable. He’s been in a stew of guilt and worry because of me.

When I returned in January, every physical thing was still so hard. PLUS – I had to visit ALL the doctors to get my treatments on track here. I called it the “What’s Wrong With Me Tour.” I had to visit my GP, do all sorts of imaging, and go to the Allergist, Endocrinologist, and Orthopedist. Sidebar: For those who don’t remember, I broke my leg on my first visit back to Maryland. The break was so bad I couldn’t travel for 4 months.

ANYWAY – we weren’t back living together for 15 minutes when I got another unexpected piece of medical news. All of the sudden I had a heart murmur. Cue cardiologist. Cue miserable diagnostic tests.

Cue the revelation: I have a congenital heart defect (bicuspid aortic valve). Who knew? The fix is heart valve replacement. That pretty much blew a gasket in my brain. I had tense words with both Mr. W and the cardiologist. I’m not in imminent danger. I basically told them both to leave me the *fuck* alone about this until I got released from PT. No, I haven’t followed up at all. I haven’t decided what I want to do yet. I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone and tried not to strangle Mr. W when he told the kids. He needs someone to talk to and I’m not very helpful.

On that happy note, it was our 30th anniversary. We had a lovely dinner at a lovely restaurant. Two days later, I packed up the car and headed to Maryland. I was there for 8 weeks. We weren’t apart the whole time. Mr. W came up for a week over 4th of July and I flew home for a week to make a dr apt and paint our newly tiled bathroom. My cover story was getting out of dodge during our master bathroom renovation, but really, I’d had it.

I wanted my family and friends and I didn’t want to worry about my heart. I enjoyed myself greatly. I was also able to (oh endless coils of life) help my friend (she of the aortic dissection a few years back. Yeesh!) She had to have a second major heart operation.

Shortly after I arrived in Maryland, she ended up back in the hospital the minute her husband had to make a business trip. Boy howdy, we fell right back into the routine of her sitting in the hospital lazy z boy chair and me plopped on her hospital bed eating her hospital jello. Like old times, only less fun and more hospital stink. She’s doing much better now and expected to make a full recovery. I was glad I could see her though the latest wrinkle. The whole episode made me think that I might never address my heart issue. Maybe I’ll just have a few more good years and then check out, thanks. Heart surgery sucks.

I got back to Decatur last Thursday. Mr. W had a long planned event and didn’t get home till long after I’d gone to sleep. Friday I went to see his band. He’d been playing with them since last October. My presence felt long overdue. It’s a big part of his leisure time. Saturday we put together shelving and organized our garage. Not the most marriage enhancing activity, esp given the heat. But, a year after the move, we have gone through the last box. Yay us.

Sunday we had a very uncomfortable discussion. He’s worried that I’m going to leave him and pointed out that of the 14 months we’ve been here, I’ve been absent for half. I know he has been very lonely, but I didn’t break my leg on purpose. I told him that if he wants me to curtail my time in Maryland, I don’t think I can promise to stay in Georgia. It was awful. It also made me realize how nothing is a problem until I’m a problem. That made me pretty crabby.

Bottom line: I’m trying, but as Miss Peg put it, “If you were a Foreign Service wife, you’d be epic fail.” That pretty much sums up my life these days.

BUT BUT BUT. I haven’t been back a week yet AND I had a great band date with Mr. W. I’ve had lunch and a movie with girlfriends. Tonight, of course, the minute I took off my bra and put on my pj’s, 3 different people from the hood stopped by to say hello.

Two lessons learned: I’m growing roots and I can’t put my pjs on at 7pm.

SO – Welcome to all my shit. I’m trying to deal. Hopefully now that my mess is out for all y’all to see, I can get back to participating in LJ.
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