In the last few weeks, I have developed the power to make the phone ring by sitting on the potty. It NEVER fails.
As Superpowers go –I know it’s really lame. I’d rather be able to grow money on a tree in the backyard, or turn my waistline back to age 35.
Still, it saved my life today. I was in serious danger from too much stoopidness.
I was at a girl friends house after workout. My friend, J, has a 4 year old daughter, really cute, who was munching cinnamon toast and dressed as Elastagirl.
This led to a discussion of my newly discovered superpower. To test this theory, J made me coffee.
Two cups later, I was ready to demonstrate my Superpower. Sure enough – the minute I got into the bathroom, J’s phone rang.
“Wow”, J hollered through the door, “I’m impressed.”
I discovered I could also pee and laugh at the same time.
“Brace yourself,” J told me upon my return to the kitchen. “I am once again going to bail UberMom out of a situation.” J had agreed to let another 4-year-old girl spend the afternoon as UberMom Had Someplace To Be.
UberMom, rushed in sporting the most self-impressed attitude I have ever witnessed (remember – I worked with television correspondents and anchors my whole career).
In spite of her Big Hurry, she found time to tell us how busy and important she was, how she didn’t let herself go, (I guess a reference to us standing around in stinky exercise clothes) her house value and how wonderful her new car was. I just smiled and nodded.
Then there was monologue on how gifted her daughter was, how much she paid for said daughter’s pre school where they teach Chinese immersion.
I have never understood the urge of competitive parenting and was just dying to mention my superpower when IT happened.
UberMom noticed that her daughter was eating a bite of cinnamon toast.
Screeching enough to make us all jump, she yanked it out of her little girl’s hand and shaking it, said to J “I’ve told you before, I NEVER let her eat SUGAR.”
J looked guilty and upset – but leave it to me to make matters worse. I now confess to exhibiting Extremely Bad Manners.
“Egads!, UberMom” I said, starting to giggle, “Unclench. Nobody fed your daughter crack, Elastagirl just shared her treat.”
UberMom rounded on me, pointed her finger at my nose and sputtered, “How dare you….”
“Careful, I told her, "I’ve got you by 40 lbs and am often underestimated as a creditable threat.”
J sprang into action.
“Time” she said to me, “to use your superpower for good.”
“On it", I replied, scampering to the bathroom. I wanted to get away from UberMom before I clocked her, but sure enough, the minute I stepped into the bathroom….
UberMom’s cell phone rang – work emergency – please hurry.
Standing in the bathroom, I about died laughing. J collapsed on her kitchen floor to the sound to UberMom rushing out.
How cool am I?????
Now I’m off to make the phone ring…..