empresspatti (empresspatti) wrote,

The very long real life post

I will return to posting about my Asian Invasion. I have more Thailand and Cambodia that I want to get posted, so years from now (or maybe tomorrow) I’ll remember what happened.  

Real Life has been really real. First off, my beloved Miss Peg and her lovely Husband and Son are living in a war zone. Bangkok is in flames and some of the heaviest fighting is in Lumpini Park. It makes me sick to think that Thailand will devolve into civil war and I’m anxious for my friends. They’ve been evacuated to a safer (at least for today) place in Bangkok.

The next person I hear saying “The government sucks” I’m going to gleefully murder loudly in public. The good folks of the Foreign Service work hard every day, frequently under life threatening situations. I’ve lived in DC all my life and I know a metric ton of Federal workers, all highly educated, dedicated to their jobs and a credit to their country.

Suck it, Teabaggers. OK – that might be some misplaced anxiety, but you know what I mean.

In other news, I’ve had an interesting medical journey.

Right before leaving for Asia in January, I had lunch with a CNN girlfriend. “Why are you limping?” she asked me. I thought she was nuts.

That night at dinner I repeated the conversation to Mr. Wonderful. “Oh yeah,” he said, “I’ve noticed that for some time now.”

Color me floored because 1) I hadn’t noticed myself limping and 2) what kind of dumbass wouldn’t mention that to his wife? The man has cranium–rectum disease.

So off I limped to Asia for 5 weeks. It didn’t slow me down, but I was really aware that I was limping all the time.

Upon returning, my Kaiser GP sent me to a neurologist.  I managed to flunk enough motor skill medical tests to remind me of 5th grade new math long division, my personal Waterloo.

“Could be a brain tumor or a stroke,” Dr. Dire told me.  Super! 

Off I went for enough MRI’s with contrast to keep me busy for a week. ALSO – Helpful Hint - Don’t clasp your hands over your chest during an MRI; it completes the electrical circuit. In addition to the stress and noise, I also helpfully provided myself with a low-grade electrical shock through entire testing process.


Once I had enough exposure to radiation to glow in the dark, it was determined that I do have a brain (I wonder, sometimes) with no tumors or stroke. The neurologist declared me cured and got miffed when I asked for physical therapy BUT HELLO – still limping.

The physical therapist figured out the problem in 9 seconds – which proves you don’t send a man to do a woman’s job, which is noticing things and thinking.

My right femur is 1 and ¼ inches – three centimeters – shorter than my left. Apparently I have been this way all my life, but now that I’m older, the ‘compensating behavior’ doesn’t work as well and my leg shortage manifests by limping. I have Creeping Decrepitude at age 55. Who knew?

Now I have a special lift to wear in all my shoes, which had the bonus effect of curing my life long lower backache. I have boring exercises with a kinky thick rubber band to build up the right thigh muscle, which is a little weak due to limping. No arthritis, YAY!

So I shove a lift in my shoe, keep going to the gym and do more leg weight stuff than ever. I’ll be sure to stand on my left leg when talking about my height, because I’m 5’9” left side only. I’m a whole other Weight Watchers category when I’m 5’7¾” standing on my right leg.

Thus endth the Real Life update.

However, Mr. Wonderful still suffers from cranium-rectum. Whoo Boy – am I going to bitch about him in an upcoming post.
Tags: thailand and leg drama
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