empresspatti (empresspatti) wrote,

Asses, bruises, butt cracks and why the iPad is not a blender

The last few weeks around Empresspattiland have been Home Improvement Projects, which are always Marriage Enhancing.   It's been kinda hellish.

I found a good drywall guy who finished off my laundry room and garage. This turned into a lot more work for Moi than bargained for. I’m unpleasantly hyper organized and serial killer clean. It was a shock to have So Much Crap to move, toss or organize before the contractor could start.

Then I was stuck at home with drywall guys and their droopy pants. It’s been butt crack central around here. I’d fling open the back door, holler “cover your cracks” and watch everyone haul up their pants while I got in the way, checking progress.

I got the bright idea of painting the garage floor. It looked great. Guess what? When wet, it’s as slippery as ice. Talk about unintended consequences. Serves me right for being OCD.

Speaking of slippery – I slipped on the wet plywood ramp to the garden shed and fell with a bone jarring BAM loud enough to bring Mr. W and my Son running from inside the house. They told me the earth shook. Thanks guys.

I’m really lucky I fell on wet plywood and not cement. I’m really lucky I landed in mud (muddy underpants, ewww) and didn’t break anything. I had a black bruise the size of Montana on my ass and could barely move for a week. I got jaundice and had to drink my weight in water. Mr. W made enough hard ass jokes to last me a lifetime.

Luckily almost killing myself ended the pissy aftermath of a big ol fight between Mr. W and me. I was fantasying murder on Mothers Day. He gave me an iPad when I wanted a blender that wasn’t trying to kill me. Before y’all roll your eyes outta your heads: He’d asked and I had told him that I WANTED A BLENDER. We were both a little surprised by my unhappy reaction to a nice gift.

It took me a day to realize that I felt exactly like the Christmas he gave me the same damn sweater he knew I’d bought my Mom. Apparently I can hold a grudge forever.

There was some yelling until I pointed out that if CNN had provided him with an iPad, I’d be making smoothies. The next day a red KitchenAid blender appeared. It’s so pretty I’m going to let it date my toaster.

For the record this year’s iPad is a beta version. It does everything a laptop does, only slower and with more effort. It’s prissy about finding internet connection. No ports, why? Imagine my joy when Apple charged a restock fee.

This weekend is our 25th wedding anniversary. In light of the iPad fiasco, we have agreed on a strict NO GIFT policy. Win-win.
Tags: asses, bruises, butt cracks and why the ipad is not a bl
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