empresspatti (empresspatti) wrote,

The history of the Christmas Fatwa

For Posterity

Historical Note: Hoyes, Ahlers, us are buddies/famillies who met at CNN and live close to each other. We do a lot of fundumb stuff together.

This all started because Sue Hoye had a gall bladder attack and was in a post-operative rush to order Christmas gifts for her boys. Elder Hoye boy wanted a light saber. Sue mistakenly clicked the box for Darth Maul. There she was on Christmas day – recovering from a gall bladder operation AND a bad Mom who had the wrong present.

Naturally dorks like us had a light saber in good working order. Christmas joy was restored. The life size cut out of Darth Maul became ours because it scared the KRAP out of the Hoye Boyz..

Fast forward to October. Mr. W and I were on our way home from a fundraiser for a work buddy with stage 4 colon cancer. We were morose and miserable. It was getting dark and I suggested putting Darth Maul on the Ahlers front porch.

Using our Son as lookout and me as the getaway driver, Tom left Darth staring into the front porch window, anchored by a potted plant. He scared the bejuzus out of them on a dark and stormy evening. We all got a good laugh out of it.

Then it was Christmas Eve and there was Darth Maul, stapled to the tree in our front yard, sporting a ZZ Top beard and red hat. He had a bottle of wine at his feet. We fell asleep laughing.

The following December we were invited to the Ahlers for pizza one random evening. We noticed that they had lighted mechanical deer as part of their Christmas decoration. It was seriously irresistible. Christmas Eve we brought Darth Maul back, stapled him to a tree in their front yard, armed him with a bow and tipped their deer over, putting arrows through them.

Bonus points because one of the deer kept moving (writhing in pain!) lying on its side with an arrow through the wire. It was a lovely tableau – the slaughter of the mechanical deer.

It was kinda over the top and I was nervous the next day when we came over for Christmas dinner. We were greeted with laughter. Whew!

Another year goes by – we all jaw back and forth about Darth Maul and ‘be very afraid’. Late Christmas Eve I noticed that cars are stopping in front of our house and a crowd was gathering.

The Ahlers and the Hoyes had put crime scene and biohazard tape up all around the front of our house. Darth Maul (now only a scary head with a ZZ Top wig) was lying in our driveway, along with chalk outlines labeled ‘Santa’ and ‘Rudolph’.. Take away coffee cups, plastic gloves and cigarette butts had been scattered around. It was a very realistic crime scene. Our neighbors were horrified.

We almost died laughing. We’d been home and hadn’t noticed them outside, busily defiling our front yard. We left the biohazard tape up. The mailman freaked. We explained it was a joke. Mr. Mailman didn’t think it was funny. Since we wanted our mail, we took the biohazard tape down. The neighbors were grateful.

Christmas 2009 was the year of the Snake. We made a huge fugly sculpture out of chicken wire and lights. The body of the snake had white lights, the eyes were green and the mouth dripped red lights to simulate blood. We named the snake Reggie. It was a beauty.

The Hoye Boyz were lookouts, Evan was videographer. Mr. W deployed the snake, positioning it so it was eating the Ahlers last surviving Christmas decoration deer. The red lights were a very effective touch. Tom stamped BEWARE into the snow in their front yard and all the boys threw snowballs at their front door. How’s that for Christmas Spirit?

This year we came home from Church and there was a big inflatable Santa in our front yard, glaring at the house, with 10 tiny mechanical deer marching behind him. Santa was tricked out with a mean face, machine gun, Rambo camo headband, glow in the dark plastic machete and a hit list. Minion deer had matching headbands and Santa hats.

The Hoye Boyz had gone straight from being Angels in the Christmas play to being lookouts patrolling the perimeter as their Mom and the Ahlers positioned an army of assassins in our front yard. It was quite the effort as it was a windy and bitterly cold night.

It was surprisingly menacing, viewed from the kitchen window. Santa was glaring at me as I had my first cup of coffee Christmas morning. Once again we were attracting a crowd of horrified neighbors walking their dogs.


PS - It took us FOREVER to get the whole production down. Thank Gwad it was daylight and warmish. There were stakes, twist ties, more stakes, multiple electric cords, hats, headbands, and weapons. Thanks guys….
Tags: the history of the christmas fatwa
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