empresspatti (empresspatti) wrote,

Underpants emails between the Mother of the Bride and the Bride. Not for the faint of heart...

Bride: (talking about clothes she wore for her bridal shower) Yesterday I had to wear spanx, heels, a dress, eat, breath, and keep a smile on my face all at the same time. UGH! Today my fingers are so swollen I can’t get my engagement ring off. 

Mitch McConnell is upstairs right now doing a live interview for our Sunday show. I want to go up and dump ice water down the back of his shirt. I hate them all.

MoB: I have to get spanks too, HELP!!. I just want something to go around my middle and extend down my thighs. I'm really hoping to get something slip like and not shorts like. I have no idea where/what I'm looking for. Gwad, I'll be miserable!

Also - I think every member of our legislative branch would benefit from: 1) pie in the face, publicly, while in stocks and 2) a SEVERE cut in pay. What a gaggle of buttmunch cheese wheenies.

Bride: Go to the website, ladies undergarments, shapeware. You can check out what some of your options are. The key with buying these things is to be very, very honest about your true height and weight when selecting a size. This is the time for honesty. Otherwise, you will find yourself stuck halfway in and halfway out, and screaming for the Groom to get the scissors. Or something

MoB: (Sending Bride a link to scary looking underwear) Is this what I want? Today is the day to buy binding underwear. I might as well own my fatness. I own my age and hair, so why hold out?

Bride: That looks pretty much right. The ones I use are shorts. So you have to wrestle them off to pee, but they don’t roll up the backside of your ass, like the shirts can. Either way there is a little bit of misery involved.

Here is how this is going to work for the skirt. When you get out of the car at the wedding, you are going to need one second to hike this thing down (it will have rolled up in the car). You just tug on it, and walk to your seat. After the wedding, when everyone is smiling around, you just take a little walk around the perimeter of the lighthouse, and give it another quick yank to make sure you have it where you want it. If it’s annoying the crap out of you, you can rip it off after pictures and toss it in the car so you don’t feel squished in when you eat.

If you get the shorts, they take a while to get on and off (like if you have to pee) but they stay put. But it is a damn process to get them on your body when getting dressed. A lot of them have a slit in the crotch so you don’t have to take them off to pee. My thoughts on that are – gross. I would rather have a wrestling match in a bathroom stall than to pee my pants and wear them all night.

The funniest part about this is the first time you put them on you will have cowboy legs. It’s a workout to keep your legs together because the material is so binding. But it does soak up sweat nicely, as I discovered yesterday.

MoB: EGADS!! I don’t want to walk the perimeter yanking binding underwear in public and I really don’t want to wrestle something down my legs every time I pee all night long. Plus - I don't want leg grabbers to hang out under my skirt if I sit down.

I'm thinking I'd wear this (link to binding half slip) UP, under my bra but over my belly. Is that insane? I'm afraid if I wore the other thing, it would roll down my belly AND keep me from peeing.

Bride: Actually that’s a smart idea. Just don’t yank it up so high that it rubs under your arms, because that gets painful fast. Geez, the more I tell you the more I realize I’ve had a lot of underpants disasters.


Several days later…..

MOB: The gut buster arrived today. I got the large, so it isn't compressing my internal organs. Still, for someone who doesn't wear this krap - boy howdie.

Bride: Ha! O man, I can’t wait to hear how this goes. Its not supposed to make your gall bladder pop out of your ass, but it is tight. Basically it should make getting your dress on a smooth process, so the fabric skims you rather than getting bunched up around your belly. Plus, you eat less when you wear it, because how could you not?

This is what I do because I love my Daughter.......
Tags: the binding underwear discussion
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